At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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