You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
