wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
