My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
