Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
