Porn is love you can see.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
