how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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