There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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