He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
