Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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