that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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