You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We just shotgunned beers for America
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
