i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
