So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
