The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
