Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
