did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
