On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize