so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
