i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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