Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
