I am spending my child support on dildos
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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