why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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