Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
