You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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