Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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