Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
