first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
