oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
