I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
