Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Farmville is her only friend.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
