somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
