I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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