haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
it's like iHOP with fire
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
