exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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