Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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