I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
