I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
