girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
