u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
