I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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