Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
