Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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