i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
