Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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