the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
