'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
