Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
