I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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