"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
