Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
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