I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
