just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize