Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
