Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
