dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
