Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize