how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
