Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
