Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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