The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
